Kents Top 5 Number 1

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this evenings inaugural installment of 'Kent's top 5', a hopefully ongoing series of random bollocks that - with any luck - won't fail and roll down the tubes like Big Brother. These episodes are designed to allow some insight into the magical mind of Kent, what he likes, what he doesn't like, how many times he's shagged your mother and so forth.

If you enjoy this first presentation, you are more than welcome to make a request for a 'Top 5' you'd like to see reviewed. Sensible/Amusing suggestions will be neatly printed on paper and reviewed as they come. Rubbish/Smelly suggestions will be neatly printed on paper and inserted into your rectum by the Heavy Weapons Guy.

First of all, something we all know and love - Machinima. For those of you who have the mental capacity of an donkey on anti-depressants, Machinima is... well, frankly I wouldn't have a clue where to go about describing it, other than it's like when we were little tykes and we picked up a rock, called it 'Mr Stony' and pegged it at adults, claiming they made our Stony friend angry. So, following that failed analogy, we'll move on to the juicer stuff.

I am always on the lookout for delicious amounts of win in youtube videos, an element that seems to be in scarce supply these days. I judge a video's win not on how much like dramatic chipmunk it is, but rather how clever and well put together it is... it's no good being funny if you're poorly presented.

Following is my top five 'TF2 Machinima' videos, each of which displays varying amounts of win, and which I shall explain...

Note: If you are still reading like this, Good for you! If you are not, then you won't know that I'm shagging your mother tonight, so please keep the noise down.

#5: "Something Completely Different" au.youtube.com/watch?v=ioysRyK…

Sometimes, when you realize that you've stopped laughing at names like 'Spotted Dick', you realize that you just want some good ol' fashioned British humor mixed with violent cartoon themed violence. This video provided me with some much needed joviality and reminded me that you don't need to have sophisticated humor to laugh until your spleen ruptures. It also introduced me to the concept of custom skins in Team Fortress... that bearded engineer is my one true love, and if you don't understand our love then I shall beat you like a rented mule.

Sound: 3.5/5
Graphics: 4/5
Music: 4/5
Concept: 4.5/5
Overall Win Rating: 4/5

#4: "Pyro Love" au.youtube.com/watch?v=GLc3HBz…

Now, I love a good love story as much as the next pansy skirt wearing bloke, but golly if I don't just get the ol' heart strings pulled by this wonderful piece. Even if it has charitably taken its cues from 'Ignis Solus', and uncharitably declared itself a carbon copy of it, Pyro Love is not to be mistaken as Litfuse films masterpiece in a different setting. I sometimes forget when I watch this that both of them are men, but gay, straight or lesbian, this is a story of Shakespearean proportions that would make Leonardo DiCaprio weep in his wussy emo bed. Ok so maybe that was an exaggeration, but dammit, if a video based on a video game can make me weep my own salty crocodile tears then it's good in my books. For those of you whose emotions are a bag of rusty old harps stored in some deep dark corner of your heart buried beneath mountains of FPS video games, break out a trenching tool and dig them out, because if you've got half a heart you'll need it to supply fuel to your tear ducts.

Sound: 3/5
Graphics: 4.5/5
Music: 5/5
Concept: 3/5 (Unfortunately this cannot rate high on concept as it is largely based on Ignis Solus)
Overall Win Rating: 4.5/5

#3: "A Soldier's Revenge" au.youtube.com/watch?v=pZKVYuL…

One thing I prize greatly in Machinima is feeling. As you may have guessed from #4, I do enjoy stories with an element of tragedy, as the world we live in so utterly filled with pointless death that it almost makes me want to break out the black eyeliner and recolor my wrists a distinct tinge of 'Blade'. However, if I wanted to just watch something so appallingly tragic that I lost the will to live, I'd just tune in to the news. However, since I value my blood continuing to flow through my body, I require humor in my videos to make them worthwhile. 'A Soldier's Revenge' mixes humor, heartbreak, and huge amounts of suspense. I had my fingers in my mouth towards the end and my heart was pumping like it was trying to give birth to a herd of runty children.

On a side note, those of you who know me well will know why I respect that Soldier immensely. Definitely worth a watch.

Sound: 4/5
Graphics: 4.5/5
Music: 5/5
Concept: 4.5/5
Overall Win Rating: 4.8/5

#2: "Meet the Red Team" au.youtube.com/watch?v=Dn_JTfp…

Now, when you feel a surge of patriotism, you want to feel like you're part of some grand machine... even if you don't get to be the man in the fancy hat who drives the bloody thing, so long as you're a cog, or a boiler plate or a kneecap or something you feel like you're being useful - like although you're just one small part of a whole, the whole wouldn't be as effective without you in it. And this is a niche that 'Meet the Red Team' fills quite nicely... everyone is shown doing what they do best, whether it's being a massive tank like the Heavy or an irritating prick like the scout. I was hugely impressed by how much effort went not just into the choreography, but also the way that the dialogue rolls off the tongue like droplets of cum off the breasts of a German hooker. And, like a German hooker, this video was well rounded and ready to burst with delicious vaginal fluids... erm, I mean win. Yeah. Win.

Sound: 5/5
Graphics: 5/5
Music: 3/5
Concept: 5/5
Overall Win Rating: 4.9/5


#1: "Ignis Solus" au.youtube.com/watch?v=pC_aGQy…

Now, I shall be blunt. As a man who likes to prance about the streets in a gas mask, I know what isolation feels like. I don't think I've ever been quite as jovial about it as the fellow in this video, but I guess if I had a spectacular piece of music following me around I'd be more inclined to pick up a mysteriously spinning briefcase and mill about in a desert industrial landscape. This is the only time in my entire life I've actually paid money to download a song off the internet, and it was the best dollar I ever spent musically. Not only does this video warm my shriveled black heart and make me well with tears of sympathetic pride, it also makes me smile till I look like I'm forty years old around the eyes from all the crinkling. I cannot say enough good things about this video, other than I consider it to be the Jesus of machinima. Not everyone's cup of tea by any standards, it takes a long time to get anywhere, and if you don't look at it as a metaphor then you might find yourself a little bored. I however am one of those misty eyed 'Games are Art' fanatics who believes that a pieces artistic value outweighs it's capacity to generate lulz. I recommend this video to everyone and their dog.

On a side note, I still have no fucking idea what the scout said.

Sound: 5/5
Graphics: 5/5
Music: 5/5
Concept: 5/5
Overall Win Rating: 5/5


And that brings us to the conclusion of the pilot review of 'Kent's Top 5". If you enjoyed enough to want to make your own request, then by all means fire away, but if not, meh.

Yes.

I said it.

Meh.